Sorry, this is stupidly personal and really not about GO FISH, but it’s been nagging at me for a while and I needed to write it out.
If you need the tl;dr version? Don’t fucking tell a queer person that they aren’t queer on fucking Pride. Also, always remember that disenfranchised and marginalized folks can also be back-biting assholes.
So, on Pride, my wife and I went to the Pride parade. Even though I didn’t feel like there was much worth celebrating, I kitted myself out and went rainbow goth: jeweled rainbow tights, black slip, combat boots, my usual bondage cuffs and hot pink & light blue bracelets, and a rainbow fishnet tee under a willowy black dress shirt. Oh, and pan fingernail polish to cap it all of. (Because I’m pansexual. Also, probably good to know that I’m male-presenting, incase you weren’t aware.)
I did think: is this a bit much?
Then I thought: if you can’t go maximalist on Pride, when the fuck can you?
After the parade, I headed back home alone to the quaint neighborhood of Andersonville, Chicago, which used to be “Girlstown” because it was a space that queer women found a home in. Now it’s elder “Boystown” so… still queer, but really fucking catty and aloof and judgy and I miss the relaxed, welcoming way the neighborhood used to be.
I am burying the lede here. I made it up to Andersonville and opted to walk on some side-streets because I was exhausted and just wanted some quiet. However, as I headed home, a woman-presenting person with a baseball cap, shorn hair and overalls flipped me off and yelled: “You aren’t even gay!” Then she capped it off with: “You’re the reason we’re in this fucking mess!”
I didn’t say a thing because… they were clearly angling for a fight and probably had a really fucking shitty day. And, you know what? I get it. Pride has been commodified. It’s like, oh, here’s a token day for you, spend your cash, cheer at our fucking McDonald’s float, and tomorrow? Well, tomorrow we’ll go back to trying to eradicate you. It’s a shitty time for queer folk that has most certainly been co-opted by straight tourists. (No offense to allies!) That person was being protective, which is what we need in these times. Again, I get it.
Do I wish they had opted to spend that energy elsewhere? Yeah, sure. However, if life has taught me anything it’s that I am a popular punching bag so… it’s not unexpected.
Here’s the thing: telling someone that is queer that they aren’t queer? That’s one of the fucking shittiest accusations you can make. You’re invalidating them, and you are being told that you are not welcome, and given how ostracized most queer folks feel? That’s the fucking worst feeling.
I’ve had a lot of slurs thrown at me over the years. It’s part and parcel of being genderqueer. It sucks, but I can usually handwave it away because folks are confused and some lash out at confusion.
I never wanted to put a label on my sexuality because I’m part of the goth community and you just don’t do that. Also, everyone just kind of assumes you’re fluid. But I did it because … fuck, I felt I had to put a label on it and fucking stand up and represent because now is a fucking horrifying time to be queer and, if I don’t take a stand, well, silence is compliance and fuck that.
(I will note: I did message a few friends prior to my official ‘coming out’ posts/emails/etc. because I didn’t want them to find out through social media. Most of then said: “Uh, I thought you came out like, twenty years ago?” To which I responded: “Well, I came out to you. Not everyone else.”
That said? Yeah, I “properly” came out late-in-life and, well, queer imposter syndrome is a thing, especially when you aren’t accepted by the queer community. And it’s especially rough if you’re bi/pan. Bi/pan erasure? Also a thing. So, uh, yeah, those remarks fucking cut.
And it still hurts. Hurts enough for me to type ~800 words about it.
Coincidentally, I was at Sapphopalooza — a yearly sapphic film festival — a few weeks prior to Pride and I saw GO FISH and there’s is a scene that came to mind:
The lead is being interrogated and castigated and reprimanded that they aren’t an actual lesbian. And that film is over 30 fucking years old.
Back to my walk home! After they were done yelling at me, I soldiered forward and told myself: “Well, they just ruined my day. Hell, I think they ruined Pride for me because this will live in my head for years and there’s nothing I can do about that.”
Anyway! Watch GO FISH! It’s a great, seminal lesbian film! They don’t make indie films like this anymore!